07.01.07
I found this entry from the date above, It reminded me of the strength I have inside of me, now when I need it the most. So I thought I would share it again..................Why I cried oh why is life so very hard?
You heard me and took my hand.
Just when I needed a friend,
I was so very low, you comforted me
with your promises.
I gladly joined my life to yours
as we walked away together.
Away from the pain, anger,
loneliness and grief that had become
Who I was..
We became joined at the hip
you and i.
As i slowly disconnected from the pain.
i lost myself in your eyes and your lies.
i felt full of spirit, happy and free once more.
But that didn’t last
Now I can see how you lied to me.
Though you did have me believing you then.
Before i knew it you were running my life.
i felt unworthy, low, weak, shameful,
pained , angry and lost.
i blamed everyone but you.
My core was rotten (so i thought)
So i invited you to fill me.
But instead of you filling me,
i became a shell.
Disconnected from those
who really cared, including myself.
It took me awhile to see you as
you really are and by then,
i knew i deserved you.
i no longer prayed, i just forgot.
The goodness inside of me was fighting to get out .
But along with my feelings
i just stuffed it back down.
Slowly i came to see how
destructive you were to me.
Then one day a voice told me
that i deserved more.
I believed and with that belief,
I began to grow. Oh sure you
still hung on in your manipulations.
But I had found my strength
And the power to be
joyfully alive and creative.
Every inch of me I took back
from you gave me leverage
As I once again began to
feel wise and confident.
I know your type, you don’t give up easily.
But neither do I. So with each deep breath,
I draw back the scattered shards of my being
That I had lost to the four corners of the earth.
The knowledge that each day
I become stronger fulfills me.
I am becoming whole again.
I am filling with Joy, Faith,
Acceptance, Love,
Gratitude and Hope.
There is no room left for you.
So go now and trouble me no more.
I allowed you to make me
small and withdrawn once.
But you couldn’t make me
disappear forever,
Nor will you Ever have the
power to do so.
I bury you here on the side
of the road, where all things lie before me.
I take BACK my power and dignity
as I dance on your grave.
Without a backwards glance
I continue on my journey.
Dancing
as I
go
.
Ok ok so anyone who knows me well knows that I like a social drink or two.
But after Kyles death it got out of control for awhile and I noticed myself spiraling out of control. I had to stop for awhile to get my perspective back. It was a good thing because I could not grieve while numb. ( I guess that was kind of the point really.) ....
Right after writing the above piece I started to collage, trade atcs, do altered books.
I eventually came to see myself as an artist, in a way I never saw myself as a writer.
I now believe that words were painful after Kyle so I turned to one of his mediums ART for a break and it opened up a world of Joy just when I needed it most. Just like Kyle could always do with just a call, smile or hug. He still shows me the way to salvation in more ways then one.
As he stands beside or behind me (He loved to stand behind me one he passed me in height.)
I am Blessed to have been His mother.
Cindy
posted by The Joyful Artist @ 4:46 p.m.
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